No More Heart Disease

No More Heart Disease!
Renowned Heart Expert Shares His Secrets
Finally, Prevent and Overcome Deadly
Heart-Related Problems and Live:
Pain-Free Drug-Free Stress-Free

Special Health Update
From the desk of Doctor I.B. Quackers

Dear Friend,
Concerned about your heart?
You should be . . .
Heart disease is the No.1 killer in America. And this is true for not only men but also women.
In fact, heart disease kills more women each year than all cancers combined. And yes, that includes breast cancer.
But what really shocked me was this: Nearly one-third of ALL U.S. deaths are because of heart disease!
The American Heart Association has identified major factors that put you at higher risk for developing this killer. Obviously, some can be changed or modified, and some can’t.
So please indulge me for a few seconds. Check off all of these known risk factors you and your loved ones have:

Increasing age — Those 65 and older make up more than 83 percent of people who die from heart disease. There is a reason for this. They’re old. What do you want a marathon?

Heredity and race — Children of parents with heart disease are at higher risk to develop it themselves. And certain non-Caucasian races are also at higher risk. It’s a right of passage. What’s good for dad is good for me. Beside the bastard kids put them in this condition.

Male gender — Men not only are at higher risk of heart attack but also have attacks earlier in life. Sure between wife and kids it’s an early grave for you. Embrace it! It’s a way out!

High blood pressure — This condition increases your risk of stroke, heart attack, and congestive heart failure. It’s putting up with everyone else that causes it.

High cholesterol — As I’m sure you know, this increases your risk of coronary heart disease. Who cares? I have to have some joy in my life.

Physical inactivity — A sedentary lifestyle puts you at higher risk. So I bust my ass all day and it’s not enough. Now I can’t even enjoy TV and have a snack or two. Get off my back.

Obesity and overweight — If you have excess body fat (particularly belly fat), you are more likely to develop heart disease and stroke — even if you have no other risk factors. So what, I never was a stud muffin. What, I’m going to get laid more?

Tobacco smoke — If you smoke, your risk of developing coronary heart disease is two to four times higher than a nonsmoker’s. I’ll smoke it, chew it or just rub it on my balls.

Diabetes mellitus — This disorder seriously increases your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, particularly if your blood sugar is not well controlled. Ahh shouldn’t be long now!

Stress — Your response to the stress in your life also may be a contributing factor. Best relief for stress is a gun. Fact of life!

Drinking too much alcohol. Oh like you don’t you closet freak. If you were me you’d be in the bag all the time.

So how is it we say no more heart disease? Because you’ll be dead. Won’t have to deal anymore will yeah.

In conclusion, Aprils Fool ya schmuck. Don’t take what I say seriously. If you do you deserve to die.

scaredstiff

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About scaredstiff

A honey badger at Heart. I've had my shots!
This entry was posted in Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to No More Heart Disease

  1. jackjodell53 says:

    I’ve heard it said that aggravation from conservative Republicans and Teabaggers has now become a major leading cause of heart disease among the sane… 🙂

  2. Norman says:

    Certainly an eye opener with a grin from ear to ear. What a way to wake up.

  3. Krell says:

    Funny but true, Tim. A person just can’t win.

    Not too much of this… a little more of that… take a aspirin a day…. and don’t read my doctor bill when you get it.

    I should have been a doctor, huh?

  4. scaredstiff says:

    I just wanted to be amusing for April 1. Hope you all got a smile from it!

  5. Gwendolyn H. Barry says:

    Amused! 🙂 I liked the post Tim. Witty job.

  6. Pingback: សុខភាព៖ ទូរទស្សន៍ និង កំព្យួទ័រ និង គ្រោះថ្នាក់​បេះដូង « ស្រុកខ្មែរ ស្នេហ៍ខ្ញុំ

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